From Betrayal to Blessings: My Journey Through Forgiveness
- Janet Davenport, Writer, Storyteller, Ordained Minister
- Apr 30
- 8 min read
It's A Deeply Personal Journey
Recently, I received news that someone from my past is gravely ill. It was heartbreaking to hear, overwhelming me with a sense of compassion for them in their suffering and empathy for their loved ones during this difficult time.
Simultaneously, it triggered a wave of memories, many of which frankly are embroidered with psychological trauma, pain, and darkness.
It was a close relationship gradually overshadowed by deceit and betrayal. Looking back, I now see the clear warning signs of the manipulation and "gaslighting" that occurred (I was unfamiliar then with the term for such behavior).
This person lied to me and about me, stole from me, and attempted to unload their substantial burden of financial debt in my lap. I lost my house, confidence in my judgment, and many other tangibles and intangibles. When I realized what had happened, along with the calculating and deceptive way it was carried out and my own involvement in the emotional and financial catastrophe, I felt a surge of fury that almost strangled me.
If left unchecked I knew it would take me out. It was the most furious I had ever been in my then-40 years of life. Foresaken, on the verge of homelessness, my sense of desolation brought me into identity with aspects of the 40-year period that the Israelites wandered around in the wilderness, searching for a home that, as it turned out, was in front of them all the time. Like them, I had lost my spiritual sight in my separation from God. I had been on the faith journey with Christ for over 20 years. But I had become distracted. Caught up in the demands of measuring up, having the "American Dream," even if it meant trying to turn sows' ears into silk purses. God was not just sending me the proverbial wakeup call, he was correcting my vision and spiritual sight.
It's A Deeply Spiritual and Psychological Journey
It's hard to believe my life-changing season of wandering in the dark was 30 years ago. While I had been naive in this particular relationship, it seems I had curried a generous portion of favor and mercy from the Almighty in my ongoing faith walk, starting from my days as an inquisitive and investigative young seeker. I eventually made the conscious decision to become a follower of Jesus Christ as a young adult. While participation in institutional religion was not my primary focus during my young geographic travels, my relationship with God was a constant thread in my life.
In the throes of the betrayal that came at a turning point in my mid-life journey, I discerned that something bigger than the situation at hand was unfolding. The rage was a seed that, if allowed to ferment, would explode like an atomic bomb, spreading bitterness like poison not only within my Self but also contaminating everyone and everything around me. I knew God had a different plan for my life. The betrayal and the betrayer turned out to be gifts. Albeit painful, they tilled the soil of the resiliency, clarity, and confidence that God planted and grew within me.
That still small voice whispered to me, guiding my steps while breathing words of wisdom and healing into my soul. However, in choosing to forgive, I discovered it was not a well-understood or well-traveled road, including within many church leaders and communities. The theology exists, but during the actual journey, I discovered that genuine experts and mentors are scarce. Well-intentioned friends and even some family members regarded me as if I were peculiar. Although I understood that their confusion and emotions stemmed from love and a desire to protect me, I recognized that my future hinged on my decision.
It's A Lonely But Not Isolated Journey
But I not only survived, I flourished taking what is popularly known as the road less traveled. And, as Robert Frost wrote in his poem "The Road Not Taken," it has made all the difference. It's worth mentioning here that in addition to rereading author and psychiatrist Scott Peck's timeless self-help book titled "The Road Less Traveled" during my early days on this road, I also discovered another book by him "The People of the Lie", a now dated but also timeless and profound clinical examination of human evil. It helped tremendously as did numerous other faith and theologically-oriented books on the topic.
As a Christian, the most profound and insightful counsel and comfort came through sacred texts of the Bible. It is a lonely road, but it is not meant to be traveled in total isolation. My pastor but most notably a husband and wife team of lay caregivers, trusted friends of my parents, from my church along with professional counseling helped beyond measure.
Family and friends who did not necessarily understand the spiritual aspects of my journey rallied around me in practical and meaningful ways. I met Angels in the form of strangers and others along the way. I even found an attorney with a heart for God and justice to represent me through the legal and financial entanglements caused by my wrongdoers. We prayed together for my transgressor. Forgiveness is not a destination. It is truly a journey; although an arduous and difficult one.
It's a Lifelong Journey of Release & Liberation
Throughout our lives, beginning in childhood, we experience various wrongdoings by others, ranging from minor offenses to significant betrayals. However, the most challenging acts to forgive often involve our own role in our trauma and misfortune.
I learned true forgiveness cannot occur until we forgive ourselves. Along the way into the present, embracing forgiveness drew me into a deeper, more intimate relationship with God, greater self-awareness, compassion, and liberation.
I simply started out in search of self-healing. However, I found what Mark Twain described in his quote as "the fragrance violet sheds on the heel that crushed it." This is why Jesus taught and preached forgiveness of our enemies, even though it may feel counterintuitive and sound ridiculous on its face. While I have no compelling need to see or make amends with the person from my past who inspired this piece, I pray they find the forgiveness, peace, and reconcilation they need.. It's easier said than done, but it's true: Life is too short and precious to hold onto grudges, even though that appears to be
the path to survival in a dog-eat world.
The Lesson of the Two Traveling Monks
A powerful teaching came to me in this through Bhuddism ( Note to my Christian peeps before they get their righteous panties in a bunch,: it's a philsosphy and a way of life, not a religion that worships Bhudda as God). It's a story of two monks, which I paraphrase here. On a journey by foot, two male monks, who took strict vows of purity which included not to "touch a woman" encountered an injured woman trapped in a ditch.
After great debate with and protest from his travel companion, the first monk picked up the woman and carried her for several miles until they reached a village where she could receive medical attention and sancturary. As they continued their trip, the second monk kept reminding the first monk of the seriousness of his infraction, and the punishment that surely awaited hime. The first monk responded in so many words, "This may be true, but I put her down many miles ago. You're the one still carrying the woman."
Understanding Forgiveness in Hostile Times
Forgiveness is often wrongly perceived as a weakness, particularly in hostile settings such as the present political environment where elected leaders are enacting iron-fisted policies filled with vengence, oppression, and hatred. Many people equate revenge with justice. This misconception can lead individuals to believe that to forgive is to condone harmful actions or to diminish the severity of the offenses committed against them. However, this view fails to recognize the profound strength and resilience that true forgiveness embodies.
It also falls short of discovering the transformational power of forgiveness on the human soul. At the micro level, within personal relationships, forgiveness can serve as a powerful tool for healing. It allows individuals to move forward from grievances, fostering a sense of peace and emotional well-being. This process does not negate the validity of their feelings or experiences; rather, it empowers them to reclaim their narrative and choose a path that prioritizes their mental health and happiness.
By forgiving, individuals can break the cycle of resentment and bitterness that can otherwise poison their relationships and hinder personal growth. Once you begin with commitment and in faith, it becomes a lifelong and all-encompassing process.
Here are Samples of Scriptures that Illuminate(d) My Path:
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13 (NIV)
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." (Matthew 6:14 (NIV)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)
Jesus said, Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing. And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. (Luke 23:34 NIV)
A Recap for Your Roadmap
1. Acknowledge the Hurt
Validate your emotions: Permit yourself to experience the pain, anger, and resentment linked to the wrongdoer's actions.
Don't suppress emotions: Refrain from numbing or repressing your feelings, as this can impede the forgiveness process.
2. Understand the Offender's Perspective
Empathize: Attempt to view things from their perspective, recognizing the circumstances that might have contributed to their actions.(This is among the most challenging steps. Human default is to objectify and dehumanize our "enemies." This degrades us, keeps us in their control, and disempowers us in our healing process.)
Consider their motivations: Reflect on what could have driven them to behave in this manner.
3. Choose to Forgive
Make a conscious decision: Forgiveness is a choice, allowing you to let go of anger and resentment.
Focus on your well-being: Forgiveness isn't about excusing their behavior but about freeing yourself from the burden it imposes.
4. Take Action
Consider the situation: Decide whether speaking with the offender is appropriate, or if it’s healthier to maintain distance.(It's okay — even necessary quite often — to set boundaries, including deciding not to interact with them anymore.)
Let go of the hurt: Release the negative emotions you've been holding onto.
Focus on the future: Rather than dwelling on the past, concentrate on your future goals and how to move forward.
5. Seek Support
Talk to a pastoral caregiver, therapist, or counselor: A professional can assist you in processing your emotions and creating a plan for forgiveness.
Connect with a support group: Sharing your experiences with others who have faced similar situations can be beneficial.
Let your loved ones support you: Don’t isolate yourself during this journey.
6. Recognize the Spiritual Value of Forgiveness
Pray and meditate: Engaging in spiritual practices aid in drawing closer to the source of peace and the empowerment to let go of anger. It can open a pathway to greater self-awareness, strengthening your faith and relationship with God and your own divinity.
Forgiveness can lead to healing: It can help you let go of negative emotions and work towards a more positive future.
Forgiveness is not about forgetting: It’s about releasing the hurt and resentment.
Practice self-compassion: Be gentle with yourself during this challenging process.
Be patient with yourself: Forgiveness is a journey, not a destination.
It is taking me a lifetime!)
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